Posted by: William | November 27, 2007

This Is Surrender

            This is the better portion of a four paged email I received from a Ms. Destiny Sweet; a 51 year old sister in Christ who is absolutely in love with her God and Savior. She sent me this email after a few back and forths between us. A lot in this email was very encouraging to me. Her vernacular is a little bit more “charismatic” (as much as I hate that word) than most, but there is great wisdom in her words I feel. So I wanted to share it with all of you. I haven’t change anything; only formatting. Don’t be afraid, her story is riveting; three pages will fly by!

            “I noticed you are reading about sin, dealing with sin etc. by your writings on the subject. This is encouraging in a day when so few are willing to examine their own hearts before God and I ask God to bless your efforts…and it occurred to me last night to share something with you that I experienced while going through a season of deep cleansing and inner healing brought about by my fervent desire to walk in divine (agape) love continuously, consistantly like Jesus. In answer to my prayers for God to make it so, and in order to reveal to me what prevented me from attaining my goal, He gave me this vision.

I was joyously dancing in what appeared to be a large living room with only an easychair, a small table and lamp sitting over to one side on a large intricately woven, extraordinarily beautiful rug. There was plenty of space to dance freely and my eyes and hands were raised to the heavens, how wonderful, my heart was soaring, then suddenly plump! Splat! I was on my face; on the ground…Wondering what had happened.” I’ll show you what you tripped over, that caused you to fall…Look!” and He raised the edge of the rug and behold a big pile of dirt, clear as could be! I’d not noticed it before. He said” This is all of the things that you didn’t know what to do with every time you swept up your living room and in moving the dirt onto the dust pan, a few grains would fall off the broom or refuse to go into the dustpan and being so small as to barely be noticeable, you simply swept it under the rug…well as time has gone by it has accumulated and now serves to trip you up and cause you to fall flat on your face…these are the old wounds from your past you have not known how to be free from, and though my love has been as a covering, I am going to teach you how to get rid of this mess for good!” end of vision.

Suddenly everything in my life seemed geared, divinely choreographed to bring this very thing about. Briefly He began to walk me through years and years of painful memories(brutal beatings, abandonments betrayals, rejections, homelessness, great danger, rapes, stalkings, kidnappings, near murders, hunger, wrongful imprisonment, and all of this before I was 19 yrs old… (I know… some folks have all the luck!) I was always so efficient in my domestic life and responsibilities…a real doer… but I began to lose my ability to: cook 3 and 4 course meals from scratch, home school my little ones, keep up with dishes laundry… make baby clothes and shirts for my husband, throw baby showers, grow and care for a huge garden and a houseful of plants, read stories and sing the children to sleep, run my own home business, bible studies and church…you get the picture.

so I began to go through such powerful memory healings…That would leave me unable to do all the things that had made me feel like I was a competent and productive human being… the older ones were in public school, I could barely boil hotdogs and burnt toast more often than not. I seemed to no longer see the dirt and had to struggle to remember to start a load of laundry. I even began to watch television during the day to change the channel in my head… Lighten the heavy focus of the places I was taken during these “sessions”.

Now it is good to know here that I had always scorned those who watched soap operas, never having found them to be interesting or useful… How can they do this? I’d wonder…but not with kindness. It had seemed to me that God was saying ‘Here, take your mind off this now and watch these people acting out these dramas” At one point I took a look at myself and said ‘Lord, look at me here I’ve become a couch potato and watching( though it was only two) soap operas…I am not doing anything … how can this be right? These sessions come on for 3 days at a time and it takes me three more just to recover enough, digest it all and gather my wits to be able to go to church and be public… and on and on with this type of thing. Can you guess what His reply was to this? I will tell you…” So it bothers you that you are not able to function very well during this time of healing… you used to be a human doing and now you are just a human being… you are so used to defining yourself by what you can do, accomplish for Me or your family as though anything you could do would make Me love you anymore than I already do. This kind of doing has been born of the wrong motive in you out of fear of rejection and failure. I would establish in you a new way of being so that all of your doing would spring forth from your being… your being here just like this in my Presence… whether you are accomplishing anything that others could see or would agree is of value… First and foremost you must know my deep and abiding love for you so you can show others who I truly am.”

With this… and the realization that I had gotten to live out my own judgment, being truly sorry for being so cruel and unkind in my thinking, prayed for all the characters in the soaps to say goodbye to these ‘friends’ who’d kept me company and I’d grown to care about… silly I know, but I even wrote endings for their drama with each finding Jesus and going on to come to know Him…With the slow return of my ability to function, I was still going through these spirit led sessions… and I started attending a different church where they announced a women’s deep inner healing class using a book I’d been reading through. This made the whole experience less oddball…though I still had a lot more too learn…with each memory I learned about the effect these things had upon me…the perpetrators all had to be remembered and forgiven… .The emotion I’d never allowed myself to feel before had to be retapped and released…wrongful attitudes that I’d developed due to repressing all this had to be examined and confessed so that God could remove them. I’d been doing this all along…what changed was that with all those other great sisters praying, I was able to learn that I was quite angry with God and that was exposed… moving an enormous block out of the way. Quite the intense process, as you might imagine.

It was during this season that I had this experience that I offer you as a balancer when you are in the process of examining your heart before God. My son Tres, the youngest of 3 sons and one daughter, was 3 at the time and down with the “croup”, a scary affliction that seemed to hit only the boys during the winter. When this would happen, my husband and I would work as a team to alleviate their suffering and help them to breathe easier. I’d turn on the hot water in the shower to create a steam room effect and he would carry them into the steam and then out into the night air as this opened the throat, and of course I would pray as I set up the small device( beside their bed ) to create a mist of moist air. It was a routine we’d become very accustomed to over the years.

But one afternoon just as I’d finished cleaning most of the house, I heard the pitiful wail of my little one from his bedroom! Oh my goodness…I’d forgotten that he was not feeling well! I’d forgotten about him for maybe hours! Filled with guilt and shame, I rushed to his side and began apologizing for not taking better care of him…I was so stricken and acting so strange that he became upset to see me like that and kept telling me ‘No, mom! It’s ok! You didn’t do anything wrong!” but the grip of guilt tightened around my heart and I could only lie down beside him… emanating misery, as this huge gulf opened up as I accused myself of neglecting him… what had I not noticed that I had not done for him?… Oh my poor son! I would find these things and do them…these must be my sins of omission and so I began to cry out to God… “Show me my sins, Oh God! Show me my sins,” again and again in agony of heart. “As you wish!” God said sternly.

That is when He took my spirit to a place I can only remember as a heavenly Judgment Hall because upon arrival I noted a throne far off in the distance where there shone a great light that illuminated everything, though I was far off and seemed to be slightly in shadow (which puzzled me) I could see over the heads of throngs and throngs of people standing upright rejoicing as I was flown in… Huge was this place! Then as soon as this sight had registered and the angel who’d born me there set me down on my feet at the very back of those who were standing, were it was definitely more shadowy than bright (in which I recall thinking … “wait… what am I doing way back here? I should be up there where I can see better and who dimmed the lights”), in which I promptly melted into a puddle of flesh… like warm Jell-O with no backbone, no firm framework to hold me up. I was struck with horror and shame as I was shown a stream of events as in a few days worth and I knew I was witnessing only a small portion of my sins of omission… the things I had neglected to do! Overwhelmed at the enormity of the types of things that would I have done they would have spelled perfection in accordance with the true and righteous standard of God…I could only moan and writhe in agony for what seemed like days. I was aware that from where I was back the others near to me were also in this agony. I will never forget this horror… Then poof! I was back on the bed, next to my boy.

And this is what I heard next “Well if you are going to behave as though you aren’t covered by the blood of my Son… I thought I’d show you what it would be like if that were true. Now stand up! Never do that again! That was false guilt and shame… remember how it felt and don’t pester Me like that again…show me my sin, show me my sin… you want to be so perfect, afraid that I will reject you if you don’t get it just right, have you forgotten it is My Son whose perfection that I view you through, it is He who bore you shame and guilt upon the cross… (Then I see a dinner plate, heaping, full of food like I’d get for myself at a buffet) your eyes are too big for your stomach… and your plate is already full… eat what you have and give yourself time to digest what I have given you… .Any more would be a waste… (I see a series of the memories I have been dealing with like a strip of film in motion, myself journaling, praying, listening to the voice of my Shepherd as He is leading me through about 7 different types of traumas) you are already dealing with as much as you can handle in all that I am revealing to you now… I am quite capable of bringing to your attention anything that you need to know when you are ready, in my timing and in my way! Trust me to do this! Do not try to do the work of my Spirit to cleanse yourself in this way… that is your way not mine! Don’t you see how many events happen within every day all interwoven with all that I am revealing to you in My word and in all that concerns you?” and I saw that it was true! God was far more committed to my being made whole than I could ever dream of being, and He had all the power there was to assure that His will would be done in regards to all He had purposed for me!

Hallelujah! And so Trust became for me a more operative word. Needless to say the whole thing made a huge impression upon me and I became much more relaxed and patient with myself. I hope you can use these insights in your journey…again it is He who would be in control of all that we are, all that we do and say… but we must trust Him to do it… this is surrender.”

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Responses

  1. This is beautiful… thanks for sharing it 🙂


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